If If's Not One Thing, It's Your Father

My father was a very smart man, probably the smartest man I have ever known. Quick sense of humor, biting wit.

I look like him but otherwise I have few of his better qualities and most of his worst. Unfortunately, I have to own the smart mouth, among others.

Daddy was a left-brain guy, analytical, logical, mathematically inclined. He could do mathematical calculations in his mind that I would have to use pencil and paper (pre-calculator, of course1) to do. He had all kinds of little tricks, like rounding up and down and estimating, and bam, bam, shazam he had the number. Me, not so much.

I'm pretty right-brain. I can write an essay and share my feelings all day. I can talk the paint off a wall and make friends with a tree stump.  The stump will end up telling me about the year of the drought that caused that funky ring and the time the tree-borers tried to invade. Maybe even about the pain of the final chain saw. In short, I'm all about the emotions. 

This caused some issues in my childhood when there was schoolwork involved. When I had to retake Algebra I in summer school one year you would have thought that Mars had just crashed into Earth. Apparently I was every kind of dumb if not actually stupid. Turned out that once I got the right teacher, it all made sense to me . (My Algebra teacher was a left-brain too and hopelessly unable to explain to us righters.)  I loved Geometry because of the symmetry of the proofs. Okay, I was never going to be a mathematician but I was capable of something more than simple addition and if you needed someone to do long division for you, I was your girl! 

For me, long division was the mathematical version of diagramming a sentence. Does anyone diagram sentences any more? I could definitely use some sentence diagramming as I try to learn Spanish! All those competing verbs!!

So as I've grown older, and I've now lived more years than he did, I've always regretted that I don't have more of his skills. I often think of him and wish I could tell him about some new invention or situation to get his opinion. 

On the right-brain side, Daddy loved crossword puzzles. No, not the London Times puzzles but the ones in The Washington Post and The New York Times. The Sunday puzzles were his favorites, needless to say. I wish he was here to compete in the Post's Neologism contests or to invent captions for The New Yorker. He would have loved Wordle, especially the versions that involve multiple words. And he loved mysteries, especially the old British locked-room-in-the-stately-house ones by John Dickson Carr and Ngaio Marsh. By the time I was eight, I was a fan too, and I can still lose myself in a Peter Wimsey novel in which the solution to the crime revolves around something as arcane as the incorrect pattern of a bunch of church bells.

What brings all this up is that I've been searching all my life for a man as smart as my dad. And just recently I figured out that, as Pogo once said, "We have met the enemy and he is us."

I am my father, after all. 

There's nothing I like better than a good Sudoku. My father would have loved Sudoku, and might even have been designing them by now. I'm a word puzzle nut. And knitting a piece of intricate lace, and seeing the pattern emerge from a chart full of unfamiliar symbols is sheer joy. Putting words together in an essay or in a novel involves some mathematical precision too. There's an order for everything. And the geometry of English Paper Piecing!

My father is alive in me, every day. And I have a little more control over my sarcasm and bitter humor than he did, most days.

By the way, for those of you wondering about the tinking of the shawl, I'm happy to say that problem is resolved and I'm moving deliberately through Clue 2.  Still three clues behind but slow and steady goes the tortoise.

Responsible or Craven? You Tell Me

 

At what point does showing respect for others, or for a group of others, become disrespectful to another group? How does one say "I support you, I'm with you, We love you," without saying to someone else, "You people who don't support, love, etc., etc. are not worthy of my respect?

Can one say "I want equality for all" without disrespecting the views of people who believe we are not equal? How do you avoid showing disrespect to people you really don't respect?

The subject of equality among races, ethnicities, sexual orientations, religious beliefs, is very touchy. As an individual, I can put a Black Lives Matters bumper sticker on my car but, because I live in a community with a homeowners association, I can't put a sign in my front yard. That applies to all signs, not to any particular group. It just says you can't show your preferences in your front yard while you're part of this community association.

But if I did put my Black Lives Matters sign up, I'm sure some people in the neighborhood would think less of me because they don't think that black lives matter or because they think that black lives matter is not an adequate statement because really all lives matter. Then the question in my own personal life would be, do I really care what those people think? (And, of course, some of my neighbors are undoubtedly rule followers and they'd be upset because I flouted something in the "official rulebook.")

The answer, of course, is that I do care what they think, and I respect their rights to have those thoughts, but I don't intend to let that change my actions. 

So, then back to my car. When I see a car with a bumper sticker that offends or annoys or otherwise harshes my mellow, I don't hit it or bash it or run into it; I simply shake my head and say "Hmmm. Another jerk."

If I wear a shirt that says PRIDE or EQUALITY or BLACK LIVES MATTERS or NO, JESUS DIDN'T SAY TO DO THAT, YOU IDIOTS, I know what I'm in for when I leave the house. Some people will like it and some won't like it but hopefully no one will shoot me over it.

But what happens when you belong to a bigger group of people? A business, for instance. The federal government has something called the "Hatch Act" (and don't even get me started on Orrin Hatch!) that prohibits federal employees from participating in any way in the elective process. And that settles that for those people. (Wonder whether that applied to any of the folks in the January 6 attack on Congress? But I digress.)

But if a business puts up a sign or a banner that supports some members of the business but not all, what happens? If I wear my PRIDE earrings to work, does that represent the company or does that represent me? Or are they just colorful?

What about visitors? Should visitors be insulted if they see my PRIDE earrings? Should I be insulted by their Nazi tattoos? Should a company that wishes to express its support for a group of people, especially a group of people represented in the company, put up a banner and be loud and proud about their support?

What if doing so will insult the members of the community who find that offensive? What if a visitor coming to the business is offended? A neighbor? What if the visitor is coming to the business with an expectation of making a donation and they are so insulted that they take their check back?

And when does measured response become cravenness? A business that is self-supporting, for-profit, and doing well doesn't have to worry about things like that. But a nonprofit business, dependent on donations from all people including bigots and racists as well as people who share the company's beliefs, don't have that luxury.

So how do we tell the 1% or 10% or 20% or 30% of the people associated with our company who are gay or trans or any other member of the LBGTQIA+ community that we support them, we accept them, we love them, we stand by them, we hear them, without offending the people who might make us pay for our beliefs? Will wearing a name badge that lists my preferred pronouns (SHE, HER, if you care) offend someone or will it serve as a thought-provoking reminder to think before we speak? 

This is the dilemma many churches are feeling right now. The Episcopal Church took a stand in 2003 when the first (openly) gay bishop was consecrated. That resulted in a schism and many of its member churches left the Church for other denominations. The United Methodist Church is in the middle of this process now, as conservative churches and members choose to disaffiliate rather than embrace policies they find offensive. Feelings are strong on both sides. Some of it has to do with culture, some of it has to do with a strict interpretation of the Bible, and some of it, frankly, has to do with being old and fearing change, and coming from a generation when those things weren't done. Of course, they were done, people were just quieter about it then. 

And because Jesus said that homosexuals are bad. No, wait, that's not right. He didn't say that. Scratch that last sentence. And besides, Jesus was white. No wait, he wasn't. Nor was he Protestant. He wasn't even "Christian."  He was Jewish. 

Oh, hell, this is definitely not a question that's going to be resolved today. But I'm ready for it to happen.