Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The Job Interview

Every good movie has to have a dream sequence. Dream sequences allow the viewer to get inside the innermost thoughts and concerns of the protagonist’s mind, seeing the stuff that floats around in her subconscious while she’s, well, unconscious.

So, what does Ms. Pug dream about these days? Sugarplums and candy canes? Not hardly. It’s all about getting a J-O-B. And before you can get the job, you have to get through the interview. Anyway, here’s the ubiquitous dream sequence from the Pug Family Movie:

(The scene opens in a spacious office, with light streaming in through the large glass windows. A harried-looking man sits behind a mahogany desk which is completely clean except for a telephone and a gold pen. His suit jacket is arranged neatly over the back of his executive chair, and his tie is askew. Ms. Pug enters, wearing her best interview suit and carrying a large felted attaché case, decorated with colorful duplicate stitch flowers. She smiles encouragingly.)

Ms. Pug (enthusiastically): Thank you for agreeing to talk with me. I’m really interested in the position you have open here at The Frammis Corp for a manager.

Interviewer (skeptically): Well, I only agreed to see you because you’re so persistent. I really don’t think you’re right for this position.

Ms. Pug (disbelievingly): Not right? How can you say that? Have you read my resume?

Interviewer: Yes. Well, not exactly. Actually, no. We don’t read resumes any more. We have resume scanning software, outsourced to India, to do that. And it says that none of your keywords matched our keywords so you weren’t selected for an interview.

Ms. Pug: But, my experience …

Interviewer (firmly): Doesn’t really matter. If the resume software doesn’t think you’re a match, it doesn’t really matter what you’ve actually done. You’re apparently not a match for Frammis.

Ms. Pug: But my qualifications …

Interviewer (frustratedly): Look—don’t you get it? As far as we’re concerned, and this comes straight from the experts in Mumbai, you don’t have any qualifications!

Ms. Pug: Perhaps if we could discuss the job requirements …

Interviewer: I really don’t see the relevance.

Ms. Pug: Relevance? Oh, I think I can make you see the relevance. Hmmm…where is it?

(Ms. Pug snaps open her attaché case and reaches inside. She removes a skein of what appears to be yarn with two long aluminum needles sticking out of it.)

Interviewer: Uh, what are you doing? Is that a weapon? We have a weapons policy....

Ms. Pug: Oh, don't be silly. They're just tools to help me demonstrate my qualifications to you.

Interviewer (reaching for his phone): Put down that skewer! You can’t …

Ms. Pug: Oh, can’t I? (Reaches up to her neck and pulls on a circular pendant.) I don’t think you need to call anyone. We’ll just snip this phone wire with my handy, TSA-approved, thread-cutter. Ah, that’s better.

Interviewer (beginning to show fear): Security! Get someone from … erg, uh, I can’t breathe with that yarn in my mouth. I should tell you that I’m allergic to wool … (He spits out a piece of what seems to be mohair.)

(Ms. Pug removes the skein of yarn from the Interviewer’s mouth and covers his mouth with highlighter tape, while she wraps the yarn around and around the man and his chair.)

Ms. Pug (pulling more items out of the attaché case): Now, there’s a good lad, just sit still. This won’t take a minute.

(She deftly straps Interviewer’s arms to his chair’s armrests, securing each arm with a circular needle.)

Ms. Pug: I don’t need to use this T-pin on you, do I? Or these blocking wires?

(The interviewer shakes his head vigorously.)

Ms. Pug: I knew those Options extra-long cables would come in handy one day. And, look, it’s so easy to tighten the needle to the cable using this little device that comes with it.

Interviewer: Mmmmmmm, ergggg, argghhhhh.

Ms. Pug: Look, let’s just go over these qualifications and then we can be done with this interview. Okay?

Interviewer (nods head reluctantly): Errgggg.

Ms. Pug (reading): Okay, here are your requirements, right off your website: “Must have project management skills, be flexible, able to multitask in a changing environment.” Well, that’s easy—no one multitasks like a knitter. How else would I be able to maintain a constant 26 projects in various stages of completion? Multitasker, check!

(The interviewer nods, reluctantly.)

Ms. Pug: Next, “must be well organized and able to keep track of supplies and inventory.” Hah! That’s an easy one. If you could see my yarn room, with my three walls of shelving, filled with tubs of yarn, all organized by type of fiber and color, and my three-drawer file cabinet of needles, crochet hooks, and yarn needles organized by manufacturer, you’d know I’m organized. And, of course, I keep track of it all in an Access database—I used to use an Excel spreadsheet but there simply weren’t enough features to handle all the reporting requirements. Metrics are so important! And, I guess that also takes care of “must be able to use MS Office.” So, organization and MS Office, check and check.

(The Interviewer nods again.)

Ms. Pug: Scheduling. “Must be able to prioritize and manage schedules of multiple people.” Well, that’s an easy one. I knit at a different place every single night all over the city of Atlanta with a different group of knitters at each event, and I have no problem keeping track of them all. Check.

(The Interviewer is beginning to look interested. He nods again, this time attentively.)

Ms. Pug (still reading): “Must have procurement experience.” Are you kidding? Who do you think bought all that yarn? Check! But you’re welcome to check with my LYS owner if you need a reference.

Interviewer: Ahhh….

Ms. Pug: “Must have excellent communication skills.” Well, you can read my blog if you want to know about my communication skills. Or read my Ravelry postings. Check!

(The Interviewer motions with his head, apparently asking Ms. Pug to remove the highlighter tape. She takes one end delicately in her fingers and rips it off in a quick tug.)

Interviewer: Ouch! Damn it! No, wait, don’t put it back. I was just going to ask … what about adaptability and flexibility? Those are important qualities.

Ms. Pug: Flexible? Adaptable? See this sweater I’m wearing? It was in Vogue Knitting last month and the original pattern was designed for an anorexic flea. You better believe I’m good at adapting if I got that pattern to stretch around this body.

Interviewer (beginning to get into the spirit): It's actually very attractive. I like the way you used short rows at the waist. But, have you ever done training? Were you successful at it?

Ms. Pug: Taught my neighbor’s little boy to knit –and the little demon's a leftie!

Interviewer (excitedly): What about managing diversity? Do you have any experience?

Ms. Pug: Well, I knit with a bunch of men, and some of my best friends are crocheters.

Interviewer (struggling to get out of his chair): You’re hired! When can you start?

Ms. Pug: Thank you, thank you. I can start next week, right after I get back from my knitting cruise.

(The scene ends.)

4 comments:

Hester said...

How Funny! and unfortunately How True! for many interviewers. I really hate it when the interviewer is just going through the motions because he/she doesn't know what they want, have no idea of the real job being discussed, and want someone who is a cute 20 year old, at a 20 year old's salary - but can do the work of a highly experienced, highly trained employee. Good luck on your search. Best - Hester

Anonymous said...

Woman, you are too funny! Maybe you can self-publish your blog and sell it...
nancy t

Knit Witch said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's great!

ChelleC said...

Diana! I'm Chelle from the old Crayon Box Group! I found you over on Ravelry. I never have and never will finish the Crayon Box Jacket I started. Don't like the colors. But I'm so glad to find you again.

Are you looking for a job right now? So am I. Think I found one yesterday, though. Whew! Start work again in early January. So now I'm off to knit for a while.

My blog is "Hanging By a Thin Thread" www.hangingbyathinthread.blogspot.com if you care to pop over there and say hi.